It’s almost Easter, which to me means one thing: it’s the time of year when everyone tries to get you to buy Peeps as if they’re delicious and not just sugar-coated garbage. You heard me. Marshmallow Peeps are the worst candy ever. They’re overrated trash that people weirdly obsess over this time of year. Like candy corn and thin mints, Peeps are that one snack item that everyone loves for no real reason. Why are Peeps stans so ravenous and die-hard about their trash candy? “Oh my God, it’s PEEPS SEASON!” Yeah, cool. I’ll be over here stocking up on Cadbury Creme Eggs like someone with some level of good taste and common sense.
Worse yet, they come in different cute animal shapes and colors and they’re all – let’s be honest – so super cute! They’re so cute I’d want to eat them up – IF I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER. When you’re tempted to eat these shiny fluff balls of suck, remind yourself that cute is not a flavor. Just because something looks aesthetically pleasing does not mean that it’s going to be a rewarding candy experience. Think I’m out of my mind? I’ll convince you I’m not. Here are 15 reasons marshmallow Peeps are the worst candy ever:
1) They don’t taste like anything.
Nope, not even marshmallows. They’re fluffy like marshmallows but it’s just sugar and fluff. Like, a lot of sugar. A terrible amount of sugar, actually.
2) When they try to taste like something, your whole body says “No thanks.”
Check out these completely un-seasonal and unappetizing flavors here. Gross. Just stay in Easter where you belong, Peeps. Stop trying to make fetch happen.
3) They don’t look like anything.
You only know they’re supposed to be chicks because of marketing. They look like swirly poop blobs with eyes. They’re festive, seasonal, multi-colored poop emojis that we eat on Easter.
4) Some Peeps do look like things and they’re honestly just there to get you to buy more than one pack.
The bunnies don’t taste different than the chicks. Pass it on. You’re wasting your valuable easter candy budget on literal trash.
5) You can’t eat more than one because the sugar is overkill.
What’s the point of candy if you can’t binge a little?
6) Why would you make a marshmallow crunchy?
You can’t deny that the sugary coating makes an annoying crunching sound that’s so disturbing. Marshmallows are fluffy, that’s part of their magic!
7) Seriously, marshmallows are just sugar, why would you layer more sugar on top of it like you’re doing anyone a favor?
Omg why would you I do not understand.
8) Tbh, the outer sugar coating has the same texture as sand.
COOL. JUST WHAT I WANT IN MY EASTER BASKET. A MOUTHFUL OF SAND.
9) The sugar coating makes your saliva taste like you brushed you teeth with candy toothpaste.
Which, in theory, is great, unless you value your teeth or are afraid of cavities, in which case, it’s horrifying. Sugary sweet is a flavor that’s great if it can leave your mouth, but nope. Not with Peeps. How does one candy make you produce so much saliva and why does it all taste like simple syrup?
10) The aftertaste makes you want to brush your teeth right after.
Regular marshmallows don’t make you feel like you’ve been making out with a bowl of Lucky Charms. Why is it so hard to get that weird coating out of your mouth?
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